I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
it's like iHOP with fire
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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