I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
