Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
