I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
