i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
