just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
