Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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