I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
