Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
