Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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