oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
4 words: hood of his car
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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