i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
