Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
