Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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