I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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