Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
