I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
