I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
