Are we in a gay sports bar?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
