I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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