well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
