we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
