Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
