i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
