Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
