Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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