If i could tip my vagina, i would.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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