Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
