I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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