mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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