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Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm passing your future prison.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
