I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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