So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
