Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
