Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
