You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
