fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
