how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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