I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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