She is in my trunk
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
