Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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