I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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