What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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