I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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