Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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