that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
