this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
