i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
