So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
