I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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